Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
