sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
