Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
