if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
