i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
