i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
