I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
