I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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