She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We are all done wearing pants today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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