i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
