I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
