Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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