chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
