your parents love me but you hate me
only if we run a train.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.