her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet