Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book