But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
