I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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