one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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