i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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