he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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