I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Your dad touched me again.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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