Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
