guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
