i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
