My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
