I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
