Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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