I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
