Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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