Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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