We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
