so explain again why im purple
no
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
