I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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