yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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