Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
