My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
