I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
