So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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