Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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