Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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