in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
