Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
