Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
