somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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