Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
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