If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
