Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
