Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
