Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
