Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
