thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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