Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
