Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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