If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
