can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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