I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize