I accidentally had phone sex last night
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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