i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
