You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
