I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
