Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
